A Confession

I’m 35. And I’m here today to confess that I’ve spent most of the last 14 years moaning and grieving about how hard it is to make friends as an adult. I’m an introvert, so it’s always been challenging for me anyway, but why is it even harder now? It’s not fair! I still need friends. But asking for friends seems to be like asking to win the lottery. Good luck with that. Some people strike it rich, while the rest of us stare from the sidelines.

The Study

Some smart people did a study on this. According to their research, it takes (drum roll, please)…time. That’s it. They say it takes 50 hours of time spent together to move from acquaintance to casual friend. Just a casual friend! It takes 40 MORE hours to move to regular friend status, and more than 200 hours together if you want to be considered close friends.

I think we all knew this. It’s not shocking, is it? Maybe the actual numbers are a little. The reason it was so easy to make friends in college was because that is the time you generally live with your friends, whether in dorms or in apartments. You have the responsibilities of school and maybe part time jobs, but not usually the full weight of adulthood, so there is plenty of time to just spend time with your friends.

Then you become an actual adult. The responsibilities of adulthood are total time suckers. If you get married, naturally much of your time will go to that person. And don’t even get me started on what happens to your time when you have babies. The point is, time is a finite commodity, and as you move through your life you have less to spend on friends. It’s just the way the world works. There’s a reason it’s so hard to make friends as adults, and especially as mothers: we simply don’t have a massive amount of time to spend on the front side.

The Answer

My answer is two-fold, for all the moms and adults out there who are scratching their heads and trying to figure out how to fill this need that we all have:

1. Remember it’s hard for everyone

Everyone has exactly the same amount of hours in a day as you do. And most people probably have the same kinds of responsibilities that you do too, with their marriages and families and work responsibilities. There aren’t any magical unicorn people out there who have nothing but time for their friends. They are all trying to navigate this life too. Hopefully that will allow you to have grace for them and grace for yourself.

2. Show Up

SHOW UP.

That’s it. So all you can do is show up. Show up every single time that you can. It might feel useless, if all you have is an hour or less, but time adds up. And that’s the point, isn’t it? It takes time to develop friendships, so you might as well start that clock ticking and put in every single minute that you can. Time that you have invested doesn’t go away. So show up and let those minutes and hours start to build.

A note to introverts

I know it seems like extroverts get to skip these steps, because they are friends with everyone, right? Wrong. They are acquaintances with everyone. Enjoyable ones, most of the time. But the whole 50 hours/90 hours/200 hours thing is true for them too. They also have to invest the time to move through the stages of friendship. So don’t despair and think you’ve missed something. You haven’t.

What do you think? Did I miss any magic steps in friendship making?

I wrote this blog about three years ago. But I was thinking about it today, because I’m antsy. I’m in that lovely waiting period that most of the writer’s life sits in, and I have way too much time on my hands. So I think about all the things I should be doing or that I might have missed out on doing. And then I remembered this blog. The times have changed a bit for me, like my girls are older now, but on the other hand, things are still very much the same. So I’m posting this to remind myself. Maybe you need to be reminded too.

******

I wish I could remember that life takes time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint and all that. Maybe it’s because we’ve embraced the instant variety of life, with all our technology and microwaves. But I often feel despair because I look at how my life is today or even this year, and I feel like I’m doomed or I’ve missed out and any greatness that could have happened should have and now never will.

This life I live right now is hard and, honestly, boring. I’m the mother of little girls. My youngest is two. My days are the same, marching by in perfect predictability. I like predictability, but my daily predictable tasks of meals, naps, fussiness and messes are boring. And it’s easy to feel like this is all my life will ever be. I must have missed the fun boat somewhere. There are so many people my age who are living so much more interesting lives, with their books that are being published and their dreams that are coming true and the impact they are having on others. And I have to wipe my table one more time.

But life takes time. I am so short-sighted. In college, our dear, very respected president of the university would stand up in chapel and tell us that our college experience was just a parenthesis in our lives. I remember feeling insulted at that statement, as if he were trivializing our days. Those days were IT. They weren’t a parenthesis, they were everything. We were pouring our hearts and souls into those days, feeling all the feels as we became adults and how could he make it sound like it just wasn’t that important? But he was right, of course. Those four years were full and long, but then they were gone, and I’ve lived so much life since then. I had lost the big picture, choosing to only focus on that moment, placing way more emphasis on it than I should have.

Sometimes I like to stop and consider how much time passed in the Bible. It’s easy for us to read a story, and really it only takes us a few minutes. But those people were real, and they lived their lives in 24 hour increments, just like we do. In Genesis, Joseph spent decades in captivity after his brothers sold him before he became the second most important ruler in Egypt. After that, the Israelites spent 400 years in slavery to the Egyptians. I’m sure many of them were resigned to the fact that their lives would never be filled with anything but oppression, and that would be the same for all their future generations. Did you know there is a gap of about 400 years between the Old and New Testaments? That means from the time that the last prophet spoke until Jesus was born, people just lived their lives. I’m sure they wondered and doubted the whole time if things would ever be different. There were so many crazy things going on in the world during that time too, with the rise of rulers and empires that wanted to control the Jewish people. One of the most fascinating time gaps for me is the three days it took for Jesus to rise from the dead. In the Bible we read that he died, then we read that he rose. But there were three days that his disciples just sat around, not knowing what to do or what was going on or if they were going to die next. Three long days. I’m sure they felt like hope had died completely and the future of their world seemed dark and unimaginable.

But God was using all that time. It wasn’t random. God never forgot about them and the things that were happening. He had a plan, and those hours and minutes were planned out that way so that His will could be accomplished. He was setting up the conditions so that each major event would happen in such a way that the most glory would be given to God. And since God is the same yesterday, today and forever, then I have to believe that these boring minutes that I live through each day are also orchestrated by God, so that whatever event He has planned for me will have the most impact for His kingdom.

I can’t say it any better way than this:

Ecclesiastes 3:11 – Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

I cannot see the end game God has planned out. And maybe I never will. But I can rest in the promise that He will make everything beautiful for its own time.

If I could just remember each day that life takes time, I think I would have an easier time finding joy and thankfulness and rest. My days are what they are now, but it’s a fact of life that they will not always be this way. My babies will grow. I can’t stop it. My two-year-old will be potty trained one day. My four-year-old will go to school. My seven-year-old will be able to cook for herself and do her own laundry. And my days will look a lot different then. The minutes I spend just sitting in my living room watching my baby play because she becomes unbearable if I try to do anything else during that time will be free to do who knows what else. God knows,

You’ve heard it before, because I have very few original thoughts: be faithful with the tasks you are given today. Even if you died tonight, you could stand before the Lord saying you did everything you were asked to do. He will not hold you responsible for future events that you haven’t even gotten to yet. He wants to know if you were faithful with the minutes you were given. Life takes time, and God designed it that way.

I had such fun on The Artist’s Nook with Laura Padgett last Friday!

If you missed the interview, here it is:

And be sure to check out Laura’s book Dolores, Like the River for a beautiful memoir that explores aging, beauty, and the value of mentorship.

Why do we humans have to produce constantly, every day, while nature gets to have a rest? I’m starting to wonder if we shouldn’t take our cues from nature a bit more. We need our plants to rest so they can bear us an abundance of good fruit in their season, rather than scant, depleted fruit all year. Doesn’t that same concept apply to the creative arts?

I’m not saying that I should take six months off. But I am wondering if maybe I have permission to have a season of rest, where I’m not expecting myself to produce anything. Does “Write Every Day” actually include planning and studying the craft too, and not just a word count goal?

I guess I’m wondering what my fellow creatives would have to say about this. Do you feel the pressure to produce something every single day too? Do you think there’s value in actually taking a break from producing? Do I need to suck it up and keep hitting the Arbitrary Word Count Goal that every writer is encouraged to have each day?

Confession: I enter giveaways. I can’t really think of any that I’ve won, but I enter because what if I do? You can’t win if you don’t enter!

Soprano Trouble is a part of an epic giveaway! I’ve joined forces with 15 other authors who are each giving away copies of their middle grade novels!

One winner will receive a copy of ALL 16 books PLUS a Kindle Fire.

One winner will receive a copy of ALL 16 books.

Free books!

Check out the website for details. (And YES, it’s open to Canadians!)

Click on this link to enter:

Enter to Win 15+ Middle Grade Fiction Novels!

Good luck!

My grandma died last week. It was as sudden as it can be, when someone is 86 years old and hasn’t really been in the best health for the past couple of years. I should have been expecting it, but I wasn’t. It prompted a very quick, unscheduled four-day trip, where we were able to celebrate her life with cherished relatives, and soak up family time with my siblings that we weren’t expecting to have. The whole thing has been a classic, textbook picture of bittersweet.

We missed work and school and today we have to jump back into that unrelenting current of life. I’ve already done two loads of laundry and my grocery list is ready. My girls told me that all their homework was in their backpacks this morning, but they also told me that last week when we left at four in the morning for our trip, and it wasn’t then. They’re at school now, so I’ll find out later if a rogue worksheet somehow got shoved under the bed instead of into the correct folder.

We’re plunging into our routine, but everything is different. What strikes me the most, though, is how it’s not different for everyone else. They’ve all carried on with their lives, going to school and work and church and get-togethers, while our life was put on hold. And we’re trying to pick back up where we left off, but everything looks so different.

On August 21st, I got to witness a 92% eclipse of the sun. I thought it would get a lot darker, but the sun is strong and you still needed sunglasses if you were just going about your day. But if you really thought about it, the light was either dimmer or a different color, and the air was definitely cooler. Maybe someone was living under a rock and had no idea there was an eclipse going on, so maybe they didn’t even notice that things were different, But they were, especially if you knew to look for it.

Obviously my family isn’t the only one to experience a death of a loved one. People do every day. It’s just been a long while since someone close to me has died. And everything looks different for me. Our routine will be the same, but somehow it just feels different. I know that soon I won’t even notice the differences anymore, because the new light and feel will be my forever normal. But for today, it feels foreign and weird, and all I can do is watch the people around me, shocked that they don’t see that things don’t look like they did a week ago.

I have no conclusions to these thoughts. And maybe that’s just part of the differences, too.

Total honesty and transparency ahead.

On the advice of an agent that I queried, I’m trying to build up my platform. A platform is simply the reach that a person has on the Internet. It’s measured by Facebook likes, followers on Twitter and Instagram, hits on a blog, and the size of an email list. It’s important for authors to have a platform, because publishers want to know that an author instantly has a certain number of eyes that will see that they have a new book out. And that certain number needs to be great.

The agent recommended I get the book Platform by Michael Hyatt. Michael Hyatt is the ultimate guru in platform building these days. So I’ve been plugging through his book, trying very hard to follow every single one of his recommendations. And his main recommendation seems to be that in order to build a platform, you need to blog consistently.

Blogging is hard for me. That’s a weird thing to say as a writer. But I’m a fiction writer. I like completely making things up. Blogging is less making things up and more putting together actual information that the world wants to hear. I have no idea what anyone wants to hear from me. I can write about writing, but if I do that, I’ll only reach writers, and are they the ones I need to build my platform on? I’ve written stuff about my stories, but honestly those posts don’t do as well. So I’m not sure that people want that information either.

Which brings me to yesterday. I forgot to blog. According to my self-imposed schedule, Tuesdays are blogging days. And I missed it. I did laundry, I went grocery shopping, and I spent a lot of time reading. But I didn’t blog. My main question is, have I damaged my fledgling platform by forgetting to do the one thing that is supposed to keep it growing?

I find it hard to blog these days, mostly because I find the Internet a hard place to be. Everyone is angry. People are angry at events, people are angry at other people, and people are angry at other people for not being angry in the way that they are angry. My blog is one more note in the deafening noise, and I’m not sure what that note should be.

So I forgot to blog. Or maybe I’m just a bit weary of clamoring for attention. Probably a little of both.

I really don’t mind being first in the food line. When a group of people get together and a line needs to form to get the food service started, I have no problem being  That Person that picks up the first plate. I definitely don’t mind being the first one to read a book or see a show. I don’t really need anyone’s opinions about whether or not I should be reading or watching something. I’ll even go first in a group of people when we’re sharing thoughts or our work.

But I don’t always want to go first. I’ve read that I should be the one to go first when making friends. I’m supposed to take the initiative and approach a person and start a conversation. Well, I’m not sure I’ve ever actually done that. The thought paralyzes me.

The whole author/publishing world is another place where you have to be the one to go first. It’s hard. You have to send out your work first, before you know whether or not it will be accepted by someone. When means you also have to spend your time writing and polishing it first, before you know if your time was spent wisely.

Going first is an exercise in sheer will. Most of the time you will not be invited to go first; you just have to do it. Which means you have to conquer a few fears.

Fear of Rejection

When it comes to making friends, I’ve never been outright rejected. At least, not since junior high. But the thought that stops me in my tracks is born out of the fear that whomever I approach first did not want me to approach them because I’m lame or boring or dressed in clothes that are so yesterday. When it comes to writing, the fear of rejection kept my story in a drawer for years before I sent it out.

Fear of Being Fruitless

I don’t like wasting my time. I only want to pursue things that will have benefits in the end. I don’t know if a person and I will connect, so I don’t want to be the one to go first and waste my time or theirs. It’s a hard thing to spend hours on a story without the assurance of readership or compensation. But all writers must start out this way.

Fear of Scrutiny

I have an intense need to do the correct thing. I want to know that I did things the right way. I might hold back from going first because I want to see how others did something, just so I can do it the right way too. The problem is there is quite a bit of life that is not about correct or incorrect. People will tell you they didn’t like how you did something, but that doesn’t mean it was wrong. But you have to go first, even knowing that the Peanut Gallery is ready and waiting to tell you that you should have done something differently. Maybe they’re right. Maybe they aren’t. And honestly, this will happen whether or not you go first.

I have no magic formula to help you get over this fears. You just have to embrace it. Go first, and show others behind you that these fears are actually quite powerless when it comes to whether or not your successful.

Still aren’t sure? Well, I’ll go first and you can watch me and see.

What fears keep you from going first?

I wrote this post two years ago on a different blog of mine. It’s a lesson that I have to keep reminding myself of, over and over and over. I pray that it is my default someday.

Love, love, love. Love is all you need. Love will keep us together. Love everyone, man.

I hate the word love. No one knows what it means when someone else says it, because everyone has their own idea of what it should look like. It should look like the movies. It should look like giving everyone a gold star for every word out of their mouth and every choice they make. It should look like 100% agreement at all times.

I struggle with love. What does love look like? What on earth am I supposed to do to show that I love? How can I prove that I love them when I say I do, but they say I don’t? Or when YOU say I don’t because I haven’t followed the exact steps you so carefully articulated in your Facebook post?

I live with a Biblical worldview. Everything I do, everything I believe comes through the lens of what the Bible says. Sometimes the Bible is murkier than others, and clarity is harder to come by. But when it comes to love, I have to follow the Bible. Not conventional wisdom. Not popular, enlightened, modern ideas. Just the Bible, as revealed by the Holy Spirit.

Love is patient. Love is willing to bear the burden of hardship, pain, delay, annoyance with a calm demeanor, and without complaint or anger.

Love is kind. Love shows benevolence. Love actually does and says things for the good of others, and is helpful.

Love is NOT jealous…and does not harbor anger at someone else’s success or indulge in suspicion or fear

…or boastful…acting triumphant at its own success or relishing in a victory at the expense of others

…or proud…feeling pleasure over something that can be credited to it alone

…or rude. Love does not act impolite or harsh with someone, even when that someone says or does something that offends or is wrong.

It does not demand its own way. It does not demand to be heard or become upset if it is not being listened to. It does not demand that anyone acknowledge its opinion as valid or correct.

It is not irritable…or easily annoyed

…and it keeps no record of being wronged. It literally does not remember the last time it was offended, and definitely doesn’t bring it up when confronted about something else.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Regardless of its opinion, it knows when an injustice occurs and it does not celebrate that fact. It celebrates truth and only truth.

Love never gives up…even when a devastating blow occurs

…never loses faith…even when its allies seem to be turning away

…is always hopeful…always choosing to look beyond the circumstance to the promise given

…and endures through every circumstance. Love bears without resistance every event, fact and detail.

Love never fails. It doesn’t end. No matter what.

That’s love. Not kissing someone else. Not berating your fellow man into a belief you hold. Not shaming someone else for a belief they hold.

In fact, love is not a response at all. True love is proactive and rather than respond, love simply acts. Regardless of what is happening around it, Love will always act that way.

Lord, help me act that way.

All words in bold are taken directly from the New Living Translation of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

Thank you so much to everyone who took my survey on what your kids are reading! (If you didn’t get a chance to fill it out, please do! I’m always interested to hear more about the stories your family loves!) These results were so helpful for me as I begin to chart out my career as an author for kids, tweens, and teens. Are you interested in knowing what I learned?

How Kids and Parents Find Books to Read

First, I wanted to know where you all were getting your books for kids. 60% of the respondents said that kids choose their books on their own, 40% simply find them while browsing at the library, and 20% get books recommended by their friends. (I realize that adds up to 120%. People were allowed to choose more than one option. I do not claim to be any good at reporting data.) This is interesting and a bit discouraging to me, because how am I going to get my stories into the hands of kids? I’m not sure if they’re picking the stories on their own. But it’s good to know.

This is also interesting to me, because I see a great need. It’s scary as a parent to think that my girls will probably simply be choosing their own books as they get older. I can’t always be with them and I’m not sure it’s practical to make them hand over every single book before they read it so I can screen it for them. So what’s the solution? Keep reading…I hope I have it for you.

Types of Stories Kids Like to Read

I gave a few options and the respondents were allowed to choose any or all of them. So here is how they ranked:

Adventure (think long quests and battling nature)
Contemporary (think stories that could happen right now in your neighborhood)
Fantasy (think dragons and fairies and magic)
Humor (think slapstick and Captain Underpants)
Stories about animals

It’s good to know what kind of stories kids want to read these days.

7 Concerns Parents Have About Kids Books

This is the question I was most interested in. Because my goal as an author is to write stories that kids want to read, but also to serve parents by writing stories that they can trust. It’s my solution to the problem that arose in the first question, where kids are mainly responsible for choosing their own books. Here are the concerns according to the respondents:

1. The themes of the stories are too adult in nature, or even have sexual themes
2. There is too much emphasis on boy/girl relationships at too young of an age
3. Vulgar language
4. Fixation on vampires and zombies
5. Exposing kids to current social topics that they don’t need to know about yet
6. The stories don’t line up with the values I’m trying to teach my kids
7. The topics aren’t age appropriate

These are all such valid concerns. It is my belief that the stories our kids read touch them deep in their souls, so parents should be confident that the stories their kids are reading are affirming the values and worldview the parents are instilling into their children.

I would love to hear from you!

Tell me what are some age appropriate topics that you would feel comfortable with your kids reading about? Let me know in comments! And don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter on the sidebar to hear about all my upcoming projects!

Love,
Victoria