A Confession

I’m 35. And I’m here today to confess that I’ve spent most of the last 14 years moaning and grieving about how hard it is to make friends as an adult. I’m an introvert, so it’s always been challenging for me anyway, but why is it even harder now? It’s not fair! I still need friends. But asking for friends seems to be like asking to win the lottery. Good luck with that. Some people strike it rich, while the rest of us stare from the sidelines.

The Study

Some smart people did a study on this. According to their research, it takes (drum roll, please)…time. That’s it. They say it takes 50 hours of time spent together to move from acquaintance to casual friend. Just a casual friend! It takes 40 MORE hours to move to regular friend status, and more than 200 hours together if you want to be considered close friends.

I think we all knew this. It’s not shocking, is it? Maybe the actual numbers are a little. The reason it was so easy to make friends in college was because that is the time you generally live with your friends, whether in dorms or in apartments. You have the responsibilities of school and maybe part time jobs, but not usually the full weight of adulthood, so there is plenty of time to just spend time with your friends.

Then you become an actual adult. The responsibilities of adulthood are total time suckers. If you get married, naturally much of your time will go to that person. And don’t even get me started on what happens to your time when you have babies. The point is, time is a finite commodity, and as you move through your life you have less to spend on friends. It’s just the way the world works. There’s a reason it’s so hard to make friends as adults, and especially as mothers: we simply don’t have a massive amount of time to spend on the front side.

The Answer

My answer is two-fold, for all the moms and adults out there who are scratching their heads and trying to figure out how to fill this need that we all have:

1. Remember it’s hard for everyone

Everyone has exactly the same amount of hours in a day as you do. And most people probably have the same kinds of responsibilities that you do too, with their marriages and families and work responsibilities. There aren’t any magical unicorn people out there who have nothing but time for their friends. They are all trying to navigate this life too. Hopefully that will allow you to have grace for them and grace for yourself.

2. Show Up

SHOW UP.

That’s it. So all you can do is show up. Show up every single time that you can. It might feel useless, if all you have is an hour or less, but time adds up. And that’s the point, isn’t it? It takes time to develop friendships, so you might as well start that clock ticking and put in every single minute that you can. Time that you have invested doesn’t go away. So show up and let those minutes and hours start to build.

A note to introverts

I know it seems like extroverts get to skip these steps, because they are friends with everyone, right? Wrong. They are acquaintances with everyone. Enjoyable ones, most of the time. But the whole 50 hours/90 hours/200 hours thing is true for them too. They also have to invest the time to move through the stages of friendship. So don’t despair and think you’ve missed something. You haven’t.

What do you think? Did I miss any magic steps in friendship making?

I wrote this blog about three years ago. But I was thinking about it today, because I’m antsy. I’m in that lovely waiting period that most of the writer’s life sits in, and I have way too much time on my hands. So I think about all the things I should be doing or that I might have missed out on doing. And then I remembered this blog. The times have changed a bit for me, like my girls are older now, but on the other hand, things are still very much the same. So I’m posting this to remind myself. Maybe you need to be reminded too.

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I wish I could remember that life takes time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint and all that. Maybe it’s because we’ve embraced the instant variety of life, with all our technology and microwaves. But I often feel despair because I look at how my life is today or even this year, and I feel like I’m doomed or I’ve missed out and any greatness that could have happened should have and now never will.

This life I live right now is hard and, honestly, boring. I’m the mother of little girls. My youngest is two. My days are the same, marching by in perfect predictability. I like predictability, but my daily predictable tasks of meals, naps, fussiness and messes are boring. And it’s easy to feel like this is all my life will ever be. I must have missed the fun boat somewhere. There are so many people my age who are living so much more interesting lives, with their books that are being published and their dreams that are coming true and the impact they are having on others. And I have to wipe my table one more time.

But life takes time. I am so short-sighted. In college, our dear, very respected president of the university would stand up in chapel and tell us that our college experience was just a parenthesis in our lives. I remember feeling insulted at that statement, as if he were trivializing our days. Those days were IT. They weren’t a parenthesis, they were everything. We were pouring our hearts and souls into those days, feeling all the feels as we became adults and how could he make it sound like it just wasn’t that important? But he was right, of course. Those four years were full and long, but then they were gone, and I’ve lived so much life since then. I had lost the big picture, choosing to only focus on that moment, placing way more emphasis on it than I should have.

Sometimes I like to stop and consider how much time passed in the Bible. It’s easy for us to read a story, and really it only takes us a few minutes. But those people were real, and they lived their lives in 24 hour increments, just like we do. In Genesis, Joseph spent decades in captivity after his brothers sold him before he became the second most important ruler in Egypt. After that, the Israelites spent 400 years in slavery to the Egyptians. I’m sure many of them were resigned to the fact that their lives would never be filled with anything but oppression, and that would be the same for all their future generations. Did you know there is a gap of about 400 years between the Old and New Testaments? That means from the time that the last prophet spoke until Jesus was born, people just lived their lives. I’m sure they wondered and doubted the whole time if things would ever be different. There were so many crazy things going on in the world during that time too, with the rise of rulers and empires that wanted to control the Jewish people. One of the most fascinating time gaps for me is the three days it took for Jesus to rise from the dead. In the Bible we read that he died, then we read that he rose. But there were three days that his disciples just sat around, not knowing what to do or what was going on or if they were going to die next. Three long days. I’m sure they felt like hope had died completely and the future of their world seemed dark and unimaginable.

But God was using all that time. It wasn’t random. God never forgot about them and the things that were happening. He had a plan, and those hours and minutes were planned out that way so that His will could be accomplished. He was setting up the conditions so that each major event would happen in such a way that the most glory would be given to God. And since God is the same yesterday, today and forever, then I have to believe that these boring minutes that I live through each day are also orchestrated by God, so that whatever event He has planned for me will have the most impact for His kingdom.

I can’t say it any better way than this:

Ecclesiastes 3:11 – Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

I cannot see the end game God has planned out. And maybe I never will. But I can rest in the promise that He will make everything beautiful for its own time.

If I could just remember each day that life takes time, I think I would have an easier time finding joy and thankfulness and rest. My days are what they are now, but it’s a fact of life that they will not always be this way. My babies will grow. I can’t stop it. My two-year-old will be potty trained one day. My four-year-old will go to school. My seven-year-old will be able to cook for herself and do her own laundry. And my days will look a lot different then. The minutes I spend just sitting in my living room watching my baby play because she becomes unbearable if I try to do anything else during that time will be free to do who knows what else. God knows,

You’ve heard it before, because I have very few original thoughts: be faithful with the tasks you are given today. Even if you died tonight, you could stand before the Lord saying you did everything you were asked to do. He will not hold you responsible for future events that you haven’t even gotten to yet. He wants to know if you were faithful with the minutes you were given. Life takes time, and God designed it that way.

I had such fun on The Artist’s Nook with Laura Padgett last Friday!

If you missed the interview, here it is:

And be sure to check out Laura’s book Dolores, Like the River for a beautiful memoir that explores aging, beauty, and the value of mentorship.

Why do we humans have to produce constantly, every day, while nature gets to have a rest? I’m starting to wonder if we shouldn’t take our cues from nature a bit more. We need our plants to rest so they can bear us an abundance of good fruit in their season, rather than scant, depleted fruit all year. Doesn’t that same concept apply to the creative arts?

I’m not saying that I should take six months off. But I am wondering if maybe I have permission to have a season of rest, where I’m not expecting myself to produce anything. Does “Write Every Day” actually include planning and studying the craft too, and not just a word count goal?

I guess I’m wondering what my fellow creatives would have to say about this. Do you feel the pressure to produce something every single day too? Do you think there’s value in actually taking a break from producing? Do I need to suck it up and keep hitting the Arbitrary Word Count Goal that every writer is encouraged to have each day?

Confession: I enter giveaways. I can’t really think of any that I’ve won, but I enter because what if I do? You can’t win if you don’t enter!

Soprano Trouble is a part of an epic giveaway! I’ve joined forces with 15 other authors who are each giving away copies of their middle grade novels!

One winner will receive a copy of ALL 16 books PLUS a Kindle Fire.

One winner will receive a copy of ALL 16 books.

Free books!

Check out the website for details. (And YES, it’s open to Canadians!)

Click on this link to enter:

Enter to Win 15+ Middle Grade Fiction Novels!

Good luck!

My grandma died last week. It was as sudden as it can be, when someone is 86 years old and hasn’t really been in the best health for the past couple of years. I should have been expecting it, but I wasn’t. It prompted a very quick, unscheduled four-day trip, where we were able to celebrate her life with cherished relatives, and soak up family time with my siblings that we weren’t expecting to have. The whole thing has been a classic, textbook picture of bittersweet.

We missed work and school and today we have to jump back into that unrelenting current of life. I’ve already done two loads of laundry and my grocery list is ready. My girls told me that all their homework was in their backpacks this morning, but they also told me that last week when we left at four in the morning for our trip, and it wasn’t then. They’re at school now, so I’ll find out later if a rogue worksheet somehow got shoved under the bed instead of into the correct folder.

We’re plunging into our routine, but everything is different. What strikes me the most, though, is how it’s not different for everyone else. They’ve all carried on with their lives, going to school and work and church and get-togethers, while our life was put on hold. And we’re trying to pick back up where we left off, but everything looks so different.

On August 21st, I got to witness a 92% eclipse of the sun. I thought it would get a lot darker, but the sun is strong and you still needed sunglasses if you were just going about your day. But if you really thought about it, the light was either dimmer or a different color, and the air was definitely cooler. Maybe someone was living under a rock and had no idea there was an eclipse going on, so maybe they didn’t even notice that things were different, But they were, especially if you knew to look for it.

Obviously my family isn’t the only one to experience a death of a loved one. People do every day. It’s just been a long while since someone close to me has died. And everything looks different for me. Our routine will be the same, but somehow it just feels different. I know that soon I won’t even notice the differences anymore, because the new light and feel will be my forever normal. But for today, it feels foreign and weird, and all I can do is watch the people around me, shocked that they don’t see that things don’t look like they did a week ago.

I have no conclusions to these thoughts. And maybe that’s just part of the differences, too.

Total honesty and transparency ahead.

On the advice of an agent that I queried, I’m trying to build up my platform. A platform is simply the reach that a person has on the Internet. It’s measured by Facebook likes, followers on Twitter and Instagram, hits on a blog, and the size of an email list. It’s important for authors to have a platform, because publishers want to know that an author instantly has a certain number of eyes that will see that they have a new book out. And that certain number needs to be great.

The agent recommended I get the book Platform by Michael Hyatt. Michael Hyatt is the ultimate guru in platform building these days. So I’ve been plugging through his book, trying very hard to follow every single one of his recommendations. And his main recommendation seems to be that in order to build a platform, you need to blog consistently.

Blogging is hard for me. That’s a weird thing to say as a writer. But I’m a fiction writer. I like completely making things up. Blogging is less making things up and more putting together actual information that the world wants to hear. I have no idea what anyone wants to hear from me. I can write about writing, but if I do that, I’ll only reach writers, and are they the ones I need to build my platform on? I’ve written stuff about my stories, but honestly those posts don’t do as well. So I’m not sure that people want that information either.

Which brings me to yesterday. I forgot to blog. According to my self-imposed schedule, Tuesdays are blogging days. And I missed it. I did laundry, I went grocery shopping, and I spent a lot of time reading. But I didn’t blog. My main question is, have I damaged my fledgling platform by forgetting to do the one thing that is supposed to keep it growing?

I find it hard to blog these days, mostly because I find the Internet a hard place to be. Everyone is angry. People are angry at events, people are angry at other people, and people are angry at other people for not being angry in the way that they are angry. My blog is one more note in the deafening noise, and I’m not sure what that note should be.

So I forgot to blog. Or maybe I’m just a bit weary of clamoring for attention. Probably a little of both.